Moving Up USA

Recently I was watching a pivotal scene from the show Shrinking. A seventeen year old girl was confronting the man who had killed her mother in a drunk driving accident. As he was trying to explain himself and taking full responsibility for his actions, she interrupts him mid sentence and blurts out “I forgive you.” There is an incredible sense of longing in her eyes as she speaks. Perhaps an indication of how badly she had wanted to utter these words even as she had previously been understandably hostile and full of hate towards him. He is rendered momentarily speechless. His eyes were full of gratitude long before his mouth uttered, “Thank you.”

The scene itself is tense and heavy until suddenly it is neither. Watch the before and after here.

The word forgive comes from an Old English term “to give away” or “to give completely.” True forgiveness doesn’t come in half measures. You either forgive or you don’t.

Years ago, I received a Facebook message from a person I didn’t know. It was the wife of my former stepfather. He was dying and asked if I would come see him. He was often a mean, hateful, cruel man. His treatment of his stepchildren was undeniably harsh and almost never loving. His words stung, his looks scared, his overall presence scarred. At the time of this request, he had long been out of our lives. I tried to give him as little thought as possible. Avoidance was a means of protecting myself, choosing not to relive any of those days.

So I ignored the request. He died several months later.

Looking back, I regret this decision. I passed on the opportunity to perhaps provide relief to a man who was suffering. Actually two men.

In Shrinking, through flashbacks, we learn the backstory of the drunk driver. He was just out for dinner with friends and his fiancee. He was not supposed to drive that night – she was. Realizing that she had too much to drink, she asked if he could drive instead. Thinking he only had a few drinks, he tragically obliged. In other flashbacks, he seemed a kind and selfless man, fully devoted to his soul mate. The accident ended a life, and a relationship.

Later I would learn that my stepfather treated us similarly to the way his father treated him. He was seen as the black sheep in his family – never able to win the approval of this father. He drank too much, worked too hard and had no obvious instincts or tools for parenting or managing stress. He loved my mother and took on her three kids as we were a packaged deal. He was a decent provider even as he withheld resources and love – presumably out of a misguided attempt to build our independence or toughness.

When we are wronged – either in a single tragic moment or a thousand cuts over years – we understandably don’t pause to wonder what is behind their actions that hurt us. Forgetting that hurt people hurt people. In the place of searching for understanding, we allow resentment, anger, hurt and resentment to fester.

There is the pain that others cause us and the pain we continue to carry with us.

Forgiveness can free us from at least one of these.

This week’s recommendation: Check out the show Shrinking. Forgiveness is a recurring theme. It is a messy show of challenging dynamics and dysfunctional relationships. It will make you laugh and think. Most of all it will make you feel.

Consider sharing this with someone in need of forgiveness. Either receiving it or giving it. I can’t send this to my former stepfather, but if I could I would simply say, “I forgive you, Bob.”